Suburgatory by Linda Keenan

Author:Linda Keenan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: skirt!
Published: 2011-10-05T16:00:00+00:00

Waitress Wages Anti-Foodie

Jihad on Chowhound

Suburgatory, USA—A local woman, fed up with the high-end restaurant where she waitresses and the people who eat there, has launched an anonymous online jihad on the foodie website Chowhound.

“OK, [head chef] Graydon would be horror-fied that you are calling it ‘high-end.’ Because that sounds fancy and contrived, which, of course, Ploughshare isn’t at all. It’s just farm-to-table pure authenticity on a plate! This shit will set you back two hundred bucks for one dinner; the most expensive food in suburbia within a hundred miles, but it doesn’t matter. It’s still ‘rustic comfort food,’ isn’t it? Whatever that means.”

The woman spoke to this reporter at the Elm Street Applebee’s. She asked to remain anonymous, and would like to be referred to by the Internet name she uses while terrorizing the unsuspecting foodies on the section of Chowhound devoted to the region. Her Internet name is EatMyShit.

EatMyShit feels like it is her responsibility to puncture the illusions and pretensions of the foodies who make her job torture.

“So go to Ploughshare and look at the communal tables with that tiny hint of dust. That is not naturally occurring dust. It’s artfully dusted every morning. Do you know that the maple used for those tables is recovered wood from a 1950s bowling alley? Because you know what foodies also like when they’re not eating food that’s farm-to-table? Irony! Mmmmm mmmm yummy yummy, gobble gobble, gimme my lobster gruyere mac and cheese and a Pabst Blue Ribbon, please!”

EatMyShit realized she could take out her many frustrations on the foodie website Chowhound, and away she went.

“Loco-More” asked if anyone knew where he could find regionally sourced wild ramps. EatMyShit responded: “You mean you need a bag of onions? Yes, Wal-Mart has started selling produce. Local enough for you? And does every fucking ingredient have to have a zip code attached to it?”

“Chowdah-hound” was in search of the perfect Tunisian Mahdjouba Djazairia sandwich with “round, flat griddled bread.” EatMyShit wrote, “Did you hear that a poor Tunisian man selling vegetables from a pushcart set himself on fire and touched off a revolution that swept the Middle East? No? Oh right, you’re too busy chasing down your super-special-ethnic-I’m-the-coolest-sandwich.”

EatMyShit’s favorite guerrilla tactic is searching for people who use the words “famished” or “starved” or “dying” for something like, say, white truffle oil or nettle soup, and then posting pictures of emaciated Somali children in response.

Just where did this seemingly bottomless pit of anger come from? “You know, it’s not really that fun serving food you yourself can’t afford. I’d almost rather work in a place that actually screams out that it’s high-end, instead of pretending to be so simple and virtuous. Then you see these people trying to seem so casual snapping pictures of their precious dinners and putting it on Facebook like they just won the fucking Nobel Peace Prize for Eating.”

So when “Gordough” asked on Chowhound about the ambiance at Ploughshare, EatMyShit was eager to respond: “Douchebag with a side of Hipster. Oh, and you know the only thing worse than a hipster? An old, gray-haired suburban hipster.

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